An Unfortunate Afternoon
by deadcell
Summary: Status effects are no longer fun once Zell and Irvine run out of Esunas. Seifer, Fujin and Raijin offer some "help".


**Author's Note:** So... this was written based on an anonymous prompt on the fuckyeahfinalfantasy comm on . However, I'm pretty sure I fudged it; there's no romantic pairing between Irvine/Zell, and I'm pretty sure these status effects aren't even _in_ Final Fantasy 8; regardless, I got a story out of it, and I'm hoping someone besides myself will find it amusing. After all is said and done, I guess the most important part is that I had fun writing it :]

**An Unfortunate Afternoon**

"Are you _shittin'_ me?" the Imp shrieked in a high-pitched squeak.

"Well I _thought_ you'd have one!" Irvine said, gripping the brim of his hat with both hands in consternation.

"No I _don't_ have one!" the Imp screamed.

The Imp, in fact, was Zell. Irvine could almost swear that Imp Zell's plump emerald cheeks were beginning to turn rosy. No doubt he was filling with steam.

"Don't worry, we'll figure it out... we have to, or else we'll be in so much shit-"

"Arrgh!" the squeaky growl was accentuated by a furious flapping as Imp Zell tested out his disproportionately tiny wings. He barely lifted to his Imp toes. "My wings don't even work! What the hell _is_ this shit?"

"Hey," Irvine muttered, scooting a little closer. He looked around him in a guilty fashion, as if someone might hold witness to what he was about to say. "Can you do some of your moves?" he whispered. "I really wanna... see an Imp do martial arts."

"Fuck you!" Imp Zell yelled. "Listen, we have to get help from someone. _Gods_ this is so embarrassing... I should have cast fuckin _Zombie_ on ya, ya twit-"

"Hush now, Greeny Beeny," Irvine said. "Everyone knows that Zombies don't like to party."

"_Get_ someone-" Imp Zell sighed, exasperated.

It was at that precise moment that Irvine heard movement somewhere behind them. He stood up and whirled around, expecting monsters, cocking his shotgun in one swift moment. "Hello?" he called. "Who's there?"

"Whazzat? Who's that? Irvine? Whatcha doing in here? Oh _hey_!" It was Seifer, emerging from a dense thicket of branches and leaves, his gunblade aloft in one hand, ready at an upward, offensive tilt. His stance softened as he caught sight of Irvine and he lowered his weapon, stopped and bent forward as he spotted Imp Zell.

"Looks like you caught yourself an Imp!" he waved at Imp Zell. "Hey little buddy," he added softly.

"Oh _shit_," Imp Zell muttered under his breath.

"Seifer," Irvine's question was a bit too abrupt. "Do you have an Esuna?"

"_What_?"

"Do you have an _Esuna_."

Seifer stared at Irvine with a furrowed brow for several seconds before realization loosened his face. His mouth slowly turned up into a beaming smile of childlike amusement. "No _fuckin'_ way," he mused.

He squatted down next to Irvine on the other side of Imp Zell, who had now crossed his little green arms, chin upturned in defiance. "Who is it? Come on now, Irvine. Let it out."

"Uh, it's nobody you know."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, I ain't _nobody_," Imp Zell spat contemptuously.

Seifer burst out laughing. "Oh! Oh ho ho! I'd know that accent anywhere. Dintch, izzat you?"

Imp Zell twitched.

"Oh gods! This is a fuckin' riot! Wait hold on, gotta get a picture." Seifer sat back on his ass and dug in his coat for his cell phone.

"No!" Imp Zell screamed. He jumped up on to Seifer's lap, lunging with a kick towards Seifer's balls. Seifer turned his body to avoid the blow and Imp Zell tumbled off him in a little green ball of fury.

"Whoa there!" Seifer was laughing hysterically. Tears were starting to come down his face. He had pulled out his phone and was dialing. "Don't worry. I'll get you an Esuna. Hold up- yeah, yeah hello? Hey. Raijin. You gotta fucking see this. Dintch got Imped. Yeah we're in the training center. By that big tree-ish thing. Yeah. Yeah! See ya".

"What a _dick_," Irvine said.

"Oh come on now. Don't get your pretty face in a knot." Seifer patted Irvine roughly on the shoulder. "So you guys were fuckin' around with status, huh. You sure you're not a Zombie, Irvine?" he burst out laughing again.

"Zombies don't like to party," Imp Zell said sullenly, head bowed as he traced a pattern in the dirt with a tiny Imp toe.

They heard footsteps as Raijin arrived on the scene with Fujin characteristically in tow. Their laughter was uproarious for a good thirty seconds before Imp Zell stamped his foot and screamed.

"_Hey!_"

The laughter died down. Seifer wiped a tear from his eye. "Ok buddy, ok. I'll fix you up with an Esuna." He nudged Raijin, who handed him an unmarked bottle. "Here you are now, take a sip."

Irvine snatched the bottle from Seifer and squatted back down to administer some of the liquid to Imp Zell. He poured some out gently as Imp Zell leaned his head back, mouth open wide. Imp Zell wound up taking an impromptu shower as Irvine clumsily poured forth the liquid.

"Hey!" Imp Zell squeaked. "Get some in my fuckin' mouth, why don'tcha…" Irvine steadied his hand and the stream of liquid narrowed; Imp Zell drank of it, swallowed and sighed.

"Okay," Imp Zell said, "Seifer, thank you, I never thought you'd—"

And then Imp Zell was transformed into a frog.

The collective laughter of Seifer, Fujin and Raijin was deafening. Seifer almost choked on his own spit.

Irvine stood up. "Seifer!" he said incredulously. "Guys! How could you _do_ that—"

"Looks like you're still in need of a cure," Raijin said, shaking his head.

"ESUNA," Fujin said with a smile.

"Yeah, I fucking know, Esuna, thanks," Irvine said sarcastically. "Do you guys have one? Seriously. Zell needs an Esuna."

Frog Zell was livid. He croaked raucously, his frog limbs flapping in a pathetic mockery of martial arts as he flopped and flailed about.

"Yeah, better find an Esuna soon," Raijin laughed.

"Yeah Zell… better… _hop to it_," Seifer doubled over in laughter at his own joke. Irvine just shook his head. He crouched down and picked up Frog Zell, who spasmed violently as he threw his frog body into Irvine's hands.

"Dude, come _on_," Irvine pleaded. Seifer, Fujin and Raijin just continued to laugh.

"KISS," Fujin said, gesturing from Irvine to Frog Zell.

"What?" Irvine asked, puzzled.

"PRINCE." Fujin said, and the laugher reached a crescendo.

"Ok, I'm fucking out of here," Irvine said, thoroughly offended. Frog Zell squirmed in his hands as if to say _don't you fucking kiss me_.

"Aww," Seifer panted, his laughter finally slowed, "he's kind of cute." He reached out to pet Frog Zell, and Frog Zell leaped up, lunging at Seifer and latching onto his hand with his flapping mouth. He was trying to bite, but all he managed to do was sloppily gum Seifer with a gooey maw.

"Ugh!" Seifer exclaimed, shaking Frog Zell off his hand back onto the ground. Frog Zell hit the dirt with a moist slap. "Gross. Listen guys, we're out of here. Why don't you bring Zell to Dr. Kadowaki, eh?" he flashed a smug smile at Irvine.

"FAIL," Fujin said.

Irvine bristled as he bent down to collect the angry, croaking Frog Zell from the floor. "Whatever," he muttered. He tried to brush the dirt off of Frog Zell as Seifer and his friends made their exit, but Frog Zell's sticky skin made it rather difficult.

"Guess Dr. K's getting a dirty present," Irvine muttered.

Frog Zell screamed an angry croak, trying to make fists out of his webbings.

Irvine sighed. "It's gonna be a long afternoon," he said.


End file.
